On Waiting

If I could sum up infertility in one word, realistically, it would either be "waiting" or "patience". There's a lot of other fun words to describe the longing misery or the painful and invasive procedures but at the end of the day... it's a lot of waiting. There's waiting to see the doctor, the wait lists, the medications, the cycles that you know aren't working out. Waiting for ovulation. Waiting for your period. Waiting for the damn test to dry. It's a lot of waiting. 
It took us five years to conceive. 5. That's 5 birthdays for both of us, 5 Christmases. Crying at one Easter because a friend told me she was pregnant. Crying at another because I wasn't. 5 Mother's Days. 5 Father's Days. 5 x 365 = a lot and I don't really want to know. 
Our NT scan is tomorrow. After our suprise positive in January. We've seen bean, we've seen bean's heartbeat. I'm sicker than all hell and I'm still terrified. I've heard so many horror stories and tragedies that I might not be able to actually breathe until this baby takes his or her first breath. 
You'd think with all the waiting we've done I'd be a pro at it now. I'm not. I can't help but think... I don't have another 5 years in me to try again if something goes wrong. I don't. I was so close to breaking and giving up when we got that positive I don't know if I would be ready to try again or what our next step would be. It's silly to think about but really, when you're waiting, what else do you do? 
As much as I want to forget about my infertility, it still weighs me down. I'd love to let go of it, break out from under it but realistically... it's part of who I am. It's defined so much of who I am and who I'll be. It's shaped how I view pregnancy and motherhood. And sure, I'm not stoked about throwing up constantly (even at 12 weeks) but I'm grateful for the symptoms and the knowledge that no matter where I go, I'm not alone in here. 
I keep reminding myself that the odds are in our favour, that this is the furtherest we've ever made it and that just maybe... it's time. 
It's been 5 weeks since we had a peek at Baby H. It didn't sound that far away when I booked the appointment but it certainly has taken it's time getting here.