I try to be as understanding as I can throughout this journey. I don't hate on women who are trying for their second, third, tenth babies and struggling to conceive the same way that some of the women who are TTC their first do. I try to remind myself that not everyone has the same background knowledge I do and that they maybe just don't know a lot of the information (or accurate information) when they ask about pregnancy symptoms at 6DPO, which in my opinion is just progesterone and a symptom of having ovulated and nothing more.
But I'm not a doctor so who knows, maybe people really can tell the second they get pregnant. Who knows?
One thing that really drives me crazy though is when people try to compare themselves to me. Things like "well it took me 8 months to conceive..." isn't really the same thing as 5 years. You really can't consider yourself infertile if you conceive within a year, you're just average. Yes, I'm sure it's frustrating that it took that long. I'm not saying it wasn't. I'm just saying it's not the same.
There's a few infertility thresholds that you'll cross. There's the one year mark where you feel that sinking feeling that something might be wrong. The two year mark where you know something is. The three year mark where you're convinced you're barren. The five year mark where you're ready to throw in the towel and you're absolutely certain you've lost your mind.
8 months can't compare to 60. It really can't. It's just, simply, not the same. I find it so frustrating when people insist to me that they must be infertile after 3 months and then conceive on month number 4. I don't know if it's a lack of information in the world or if it's just frustration on my part but I don't find it comforting.
When you've been trying to have a baby for 5 years and some one says, "oh well it took me 8 months," they are basically shutting down your struggles. It makes me feel like they think I'm overreacting (never mind the fact that I have two diagnosed fertility conditions). And I'm not overreacting, this is my life.
I completely agree.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree.
ReplyDeleteYep. I think that sometimes it is people that are trying to make you feel better by comparing themselves but it really doesn't help at all.
ReplyDeleteHere from ICLW.
People just don't get it!!! Drives me nuts!!! It doesn't help that we infertiles are already sensitive on the subject we know too much about!! I used to be that sad person before learning my fate - I was blindsided by infertility. I wish I didn't have to know all that I do! But it has made me stronger!! Chin up darling, you got this!
ReplyDeleteHere from ICLW.
ReplyDeleteOHHHH do I hear you. I had a friend who was not having sex with her husband--for years--and she said she understood how it felt to not be able to have kids.
Um--5th grade science--SEX first!!
Hugs.
I had this friend who also blogged but I knew her in real life. She was upset when we had a conversation about women having children after 60 (there is a show about a couple women in Europe who did IVF after 60 and had children) - I thought it wasn't fair to the child or the mother, she thought women should be able to have babies when they're ready - even if that is 65 years old. We didn't agree...she took it as a personal jab to her because she doesn't expect to be ready for kids until 40 (which I have no beefs with and told her that - considering I could very well be that age when we finally get pregnant). In her hurt, she lashed out and wrote a blog post about me where she changed the facts of the conversation AND told people that I was 25 and had been trying for 3 months and was now looking at adoption because clearly I was infertile...essentially mocking me. Her "friends" all commented with things like how I am an idiot, and how I shouldn't be having kids since I'm clearly not mature enough, etc. etc.
ReplyDeleteThat hurt, big time. Because I WAS 25, but I had been TTC for 2 years, had 3 miscarriages and an oopherectomy by that point and my RE had suggested I consider IVF since an ectopic pregnancy would be fatal to my reproductive health and I have PCOS so ectopic is more likely. I wasn't ready for IVF so instead we decided to register with an adoption agency. But she left all that out and completely downplayed everything I had been through. The worst part was she ended the rant with a comment about how she knows how I feel because she doesn't have kids either (but was single and didn't want kids), so she doesn't understand why I'm panicking about not being pregnant yet. It was brutal.
I honestly think it's a lack of information partly, and we're in this self-diagnosis craze where everybody is an expert and if something isn't working the way you thought it would, then there must be a diagnosis behind it...and they google it.
Sending hugs because I know that feeling, and it sucks. :-(
I 100% agree... and to Rach - ouch, that's pretty scathing of your friend (ex-friend?) to write... I'm sorry...
ReplyDeleteI know someone who asked me about my fertility treatments because she's been trying with her husband for a long time and nothing was happening. I gave her the number to my clinic but as we spoke about it more and more, she wasn't tracking her cycles, wasn't using OPK's or any other tools. She's over 35 so I told her the first thing even an RE will suggest is tracking. Once you get to a certain age, you can't just have sex whenever and hope the timing is right.
ReplyDeleteShe's telling people now she's infertile even though she still hasn't taken the basic steps to confirm if that's true (and still hasn't seen a doctor).
I had to step away from her situation for my sanity.