Don't Stop Believing

A couple years ago my dad decided to take up playing the piano in his spare time. It's just something he's always wanted to do and he's absolutely loving it. He took me out for lunch today and we stopped by the Devonian Gardens and there is a piano there for anyone who feels like it to play. The guy who was there was just leaving and my dad decided he wanted to play a bit before he left and he sat down and played Don't Stop Believin' (small 14 second video I took with Instagram here). Which is now stuck in my head...

I'm not feeling overly excited about our third medicated cycle. I held so much hope and had so many disappointments the last two that I'm still feeling pretty defeated. I'm looking at our finances and thinking about whether or not I think we could save up $12,000 for adoption next summer (maybe by the end of next year?). I'm thinking about IUI and whether or not I should be hopeful for that or if it will end up the same way just the medication has? 

I'm feeling tired. Not so much overwhelmed with everything but tired. Tired of the hope and excitement, tired of the disappointment. Tired of the temperature taking. Of the false positives and oh so real negatives. This is hard and it's a lot of work. And people say things like, "I couldn't handle that" or "you're so strong" and the reality is I feel anything but strong. I feel weak and run down. I feel tired. Of course, they could handle it. People never realize how much they can handle until they have to handle it and even then they don't. 

I keep thinking I can't handle IUI or IVF or adoption or waiting or stressing or bleeding like clockwork every mocking 28 days but I will. I'll handle the IUI. I'm ready for it. I'm ready to try something new. I don't know if we will do IVF but if we decide to, I'll handle that too. If we decide to adopt I'll find the time and the money and I'll handle it. It's not about handling things gracefully, I think we all know I'm not but I'm handling them just the same.

I have to keep believing this will happen. Through whatever method he/she chooses, our baby will find us somehow... We're on the cusp of parenthood. We're just trying to find our way in.