I keep going back and forth about how much of this I want to post on the internet but I feel like maybe one day I'll want to remember all of this, and maybe one day I'll want to tell my kids how much we wanted them and what we went through to have them, if we can have them.
I'm at a crossroads so to speak with my insides. I'm at a point where we need to either figure out what's going on or write it off and it's a scary place to be. Not everyone understands, nor do I expect them to. People are sweet, and trying so very hard to be positive with me but I'm 100% a wreck over this and I apologize to everyone for that. I'm at a point where I'm scared to get my hopes up.
My plan is to do weekly or semi-weekly updates about where we are with it. This one will likely be the longest one because well here's our story.
We had a miscarriage right after we got married. It was awful and heartbreaking and the harder this journey gets the more scared I am that that was my only chance to ever be a mom and it didn't happen. After that I needed to take some time and get my life together so I went back to school and back to birth control and just tried to move on. (easier said then done sometimes, when a lady brought a kid into Nine West and his name was a name we had thought of for a boy I called Steve in a full on meltdown...)
Fast forward to November of last year.
I went off birth control for a lot of reasons - mostly I was feeling weird on it and I wasn't getting my cycle at all. Since coming off BC I've had four cycles, in almost a year. I'm on cycle day 74 and the hormones are making me crazy right now.
I finally broke down and made an appointment with our family doctor last week. She's sending me for blood work and an ultrasound (doing both tomorrow) so we can see what kind of specialist we need to see and go from there.
I'm terrified, of course, and I just don't want to get my hopes up right now cos I'm scared I'm setting myself up for a major breakdown. I guess it's not as long as it could have been.
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