Timelines

I had to take some time and really think yesterday. My rant helped me lay out my feelings and then I kind of had to make my way through them. (I should point out that I cancelled every therapy appointment I made related to this cos I don't want to invest money there so this is the closest I get). 
One of my biggest fears TTC-wise is that we won't ever have a kid and in 20 years Steve will resent me and leave me. Of course, this is completely unfounded and there's a huge part of me that thinks it wouldn't. But there's the part of me that thinks he could. That being said, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and none of this could mean anything so... I have zero control over my future, I think is the point I'm making here. 
We didn't ask for this. But does anyone ask for the difficult things that happen to them? I think a huge part of parenting (and obviously, getting pregnant) is relinquishing that control, that need to decide how our lives will go. Cos we don't know. Sure we have some control, obviously if you skip a job interview you have no chance, but in the grand scheme of life, it's probably not going to turn out how we imagined it and it'll still probably be okay. 
I felt like I needed to draw a line in the sand, a limit, and say this is as far as I'll go before we need to re-evaluate or change course. This is where I say it's enough. I refuse to let infertility bankrupt us or affect my marriage. Steve doesn't blame me for our situation any more than I blame him and I'd like to keep it that way. We don't have a ton of money to spend on fertility treatments. Maybe in a few years when I have my CPA & Steve has his journeyman's we could revisit IVF but there is a large part of me that doesn't see IVF as worth the financial risk. I'd be fine with adopted kids. 
So 2015, you will be our last TTC year. I will do the medicated cycles (if this one ever ends) and the IUIs and whatever else they come up with between now and December and if that doesn't work we will move on to adoption. I'm going to start the application process somewhere around the end of the summer as it can take up to 6 months to be placed on the waitlist from application. We will hopefully be able to start 2016 on the waitlist or very close.