On being a NICU mom
I have so much guilt. I feel awful she is in here. She is a week old today and she doesn't know any different than monitors constantly going off and getting her little heel pricked all the time.
I didn't do a good enough job when she was on the inside. Her umbilical cord was the size of a shoe lace I guess so once she hit about 28-30 weeks it just couldn't keep up with her anymore. So that's the real cause of her IUGR and once my blood pressure went up she was a ticking time bomb. It's better she's out now but I wish this hasn't happened.
There are babies younger than her that are going home all the time. They weigh more and cos they weigh more they have more energy and they feed better. She's still mostly tube fed. She tries to eat but gets worn out so fast.
I just want to take her home. I haven't really been home in a week. I miss the cats and my couch and watching Family Fued with Steve. I miss eating food I made myself.
I miss my baby so much at night. I wish she could be home.
Even though I'm a complete stranger, I want so badly to give you a hug! "I didn't do a good enough job when she was on the inside." You did. Do not downplay all that you did for your baby girl and all of the challenges that you had to overcome. You fought your own body to get pregnant, you fought nausea and vomiting for months on end, and then had to fight with gestational diabetes on top of it. High blood pressure was just another hurdle that you didn't deserve to jump. You got your baby to 36 weeks. That is an amazing accomplishment. You got her to a point where she can breathe on her own. You got her to a point where her biggest challenge is staying awake long enough to eat and grow - take credit for that. You deserve it. She will grow and she will develop, and when her little personality begins to shine, these days will be a distant memory that fades into just the happy parts. She'll never remember that her first couple of weeks were filled with beeping machines and heel sticks. She'll just remember the two parents who love her and get barely any sleep so that they can spend as much time with her as possible. You have done everything right. You are already a great mom. Tell yourself that when you start to doubt it.
ReplyDeleteTrust me.
thank you<3
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ReplyDeleteHang in there and I promise you will look back and it will be a distant memory. Our girls were in for over 2 months and it seemed to go on forever. It is so hard to be away from them and to juggle things. People will also say things like " get sleep now while you can" I guess they forget that you spend every single waking moment there with your baby.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great! You are doing just what you can and you can't blame yourself for anything! She is a strong little girl! Hang in there. Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteThe nicu is not a fun place to be at all, but baby Ellie is stronger and stronger right before your eyes! Try not to focus on the other babies, they say here that nicu babies stays are usually until term, so she is right on track! You didn't choose this path, but you have done the best you could for her and you are there for her now while she takes her time growing!! You are stronger than you think!!
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