TTC Wednesday: Worry

Today is officially one year since I started blogging our infertility journey. 

I don't know where all this self pity came from but I'm getting annoyed with myself. Have you ever been annoyed with yourself? It's hard and weird. 
I don't know if it's because we have reached a point I thought we'd never reach? I have no idea. I feel disappointed in myself in a lot of ways. I know it doesn't make any sense since I have basically no control over any of this but still. I'm 26 years old. I can't even do the one thing I SHOULD be able to do. Like, people manage it without even trying. Without wanting it. 
I used to wonder if maybe I didn't want it enough. Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough, maybe I didn't want it enough but then... how could that be true? I want it so much it keeps me up at night, it's on my  mind everyday. I avoid baby showers and visiting newborns even though I love babies because every time I do I come home and cry. I love babies. I want to celebrate babies. I just can't figure out how to celebrate babies without being so jealous and angry at myself. 
Birth Without Fear posted a photo on Facebook the other day of a father holding his daughter for the first time after seven years of infertility. He's clutching her so tightly and bawling and I want to cry just looking at it because I want that for Steve so badly. 
Sometimes I feel like I'm holding him back and I worry. All I do these days is worry.