Breastfeeding Woes

Long before I got pregnant, and especially once I did, I had dreams of extended breastfeeding. I pictured sitting in the rocking chair nursing my baby to sleep until she weaned herself, be it at a year or two or whatever. I love the idea of breastfeeding and the bonding that comes with it and I couldn't wait for those moments with my daughter. 

I never realized how many roadblocks we would face with breastfeeding and how much I would grow to hate my breast pump and love it at the same time. I mean, I love that my baby is 100% breastmilk fed and that we have a surplus I may donate one day when my paranoia subsides. 

I hate that I spend 3+ hours a day just hooked up to the pump, and that after she eats her bottle I have to give her to Steve so I can pump. I hate doing dishes 500 times a day between bottles, storage containers, pump parts, actual dishes. 

This is our story, granted, and it's not what I expected but to be fair neither was trying to conceive or pregnancy so maybe I need to reevaluated expectations? Either way, it's ours. Mine and Eleanor's. And Steve's by extension. 

At first she was small, preterm. Everyone said its normal and to just keep trying. No one looked in her mouth even though we saw three different lactation consultants in the hospital. 

She was almost 4 weeks old when someone finally did look. She had a posterior tongue tie. So we got that clipped. It helped a bit. She started moving her tongue more. We continued to meet with lactation consultants. Same story, she's small, she's learning. Keep trying. 

In the meantime, she's primarily bottle fed and I pump every time she eats. We practice breastfeeding every day. And she would still take almost full bottles after breastfeeding for 20-40 minutes. 

But it hurt. Of course it hurt. And not like on that's unpleasant but more like I wanted to scream and cry for the first five minutes of every feed on one side. So they check her mouth again. She's 6 weeks old now. She has a high palate. So high she can't create suction with her mouth so she falls off, she can't stay latched. And she arches her back (with my poor boob firmly clenched between her gums) because she has reflux.

But, of course, she's too old now and public health won't see her anymore.  They send us back to the clinic that clipped her tongue tie. In the meantime our GP starts her on ranitidine for the reflux. The clinic checks out her mouth again and she's not extending her tongue properly so they clip her tongue tie further. I have an overactive letdown on one side and combined with her poor suction and shallow latch it's basically a recipe for sore everything and a cranky baby. 

And here we are. I can't lie and say I haven't thought of quitting but I want to breastfeed her, even if it's through a bottle, and I can't bring myself to pay for formula when I know we have the milk available. I keep hoping every appointment we will make a change that will do the trick. 

I dream of a day where I can pump once or twice a day maybe. Leave my house without calculating when I have to be home so I can pump after she eats. I dream of the day where I can say I nursed my baby for a full feed. Or two. Or a whole day. Or maybe even say that I nursed my baby, in spite of all our struggles, until she self weaned at whatever age she chose to.